Detour from Dinner

My first day in Germany included touring two beautiful castles

This is the first of the two: Hohenschwangau Built to be a summer-house for the King of Bavaria. It was about a 10 minute up hill hike to get to the entrance and then we got a great tour. I swear I was born in the wrong time period, because I really wish I lived, dressed, and ate like people did back then. But a tour of all of these great castles is the closest I can get to real life. I will take it!

Now this beauty is the REAL sleeping beauty castle. Neuschwanstein is the name and the King who built it was the son of the king who built the previous picture. Half way through the building of this over the top castle the treasury was used up and the government proclaimed that the King was unfit to rule and insane. If you go into the castle and into the rooms that were actually finished you can see that he may have been insane but was also probably gay (he did break off his engagement to a princess). This just shows how unaccepting the world has always been to this issue. This king died because we can not accept that not all people are the same, when will things change?

Anyway after spending the morning hiking up the hills of Bavaria I realized that I had nothing to worry about exercise wise so far. I actually really want to go on more hikes! Not for the nature, because honestly I have no idea how to appreciate it fully. it is glorious and God created it and I appreciate it, but what I really loved about hiking was the future destination was semi unknown! I am not good with unknown so this is weird to me. Hiking pushed me in a way I cannot push myself!

Next on our agenda? Munich! where the largest cuckoo clock resides, o and a really famous beer house (the Hofbräuhaus).

Needless to say Dad was happy 😉 Don’t worry he did not drive for at least 2 hours I believe!

Which one do you think I had??? Now remember I may bot be legal in the states but I am in Europe. But I wanted to save my first EVER drink of alcohol for another occasion

Now, here comes the learning experience of the day. Dad and I left Munich around 6 so that we could get back to our hotel in time for supper. Everything was going really well until we got behind a TRACTOR on a main road!!! But that was fine we got around it and still would be able to make it back in time IF the GPS would have kept us on the autobahn (German highway) but no it didn’t and yes we did come to a blocked road detour… and yes the GPS kept trying to get us down the blocked road!!!

Soon I came to the realization that even if we did get back (and that seemed like a big if) it would not be in time for dinner… Cue eating disorder coming to life. When my eating disorder awakens inside me it is not a silent thing, it causes huge break downs and tantrums. I am very out of control and do not watch what I am saying or where I am saying it. Let me finish the story before I really go into what was happening in my head though: We ended up having to take tractor roads (ironic, maybe) for 20 minutes before getting on a real road and finally back to our hotel, but it was after 9pm and all restaurants we CLOSED…

OK back to the issue. There was a time in my eating disorder that whenever something went wrong I collapsed to the floor after first having screamed at my mom, blamed her for everything, and refused to go on (in life). I have gotten so much better at dealing with things that do not go as planned.  But right then I was in a completely different country, and my dad has never completely understood how this thing changes me for the worse. So I lost control of the situation and all I could think of was “O this is my opportunity to skip a meal, but shoot (actually it was a little more profane) I am actually hungry!!!”

I did eventually come to again, and realize that my dad wasn’t out to get me. He didn’t mean for us to miss dinner, and really did feel bad. He just didn’t realize that something as little as missing dinner one time could send me over the edge so easily still. And normally it doesn’t, but I was hungry and vulnerable because of that.

I was hungry all night and did not sleep well because of a lot going on in my head. I didn’t eat enough that day as it was for all of the hiking we did and I knew it. So I came to this conclusion, I do not think it was my eating disorder that caused this huge break down. It was me fighting the eating disorder. I wanted to eat and enjoy myself, and more importantly I wanted to fuel myself and ensure that I wasn’t given the opportunity to go back to that place again. I never felt weak with no energy when I was in the depths of anorexia, but that night and the next morning I did. And I HATED it. So when 8am came and breakfast was served I enjoyed and savored every bite for all it was worth.

This was a huge breaking point for me, I not only showed my dad who I am but I also showed him and myself that I have the ability to really fight.  I fight every day to ensure I am healthy and I fight everyday to find ways to push myself to limits past what I believe I am capable of. Before this night I have always believed that skipping a meal meant I was giving into my eating disorder, but this time it was the opposite. I didn’t choose not to eat, although Dad would have gone out to get me something from a McDonald’s or something.  So I guess I did chose not to eat, but not because I didn’t want food. It was late and I was so tired from the day and from the huge scene I had made I really just needed to sleep. So instead of listening to the voice telling me “you have anorexia you either eat or go back to that” I listened to me which said, “you are tired and food will be there in the morning and you will eat it and enjoy it a lot more then.”

I am sorry this post was so log, but these thoughts are extremely difficult to express and plus I wanted to show you some of the awesome carefree parts of my vacation too!

Has anyone else run into dramatic (unexpected) problems on vacation? Please share, and how did you overcome it???

How do you act when you are really upset? I scream and fight and then shut down while crying not something I am proud of

What do you think of the castles? I love them and again, I was totally born in the wrong time period! were you, or do you like the modern world without castles?