First off I am sorry for the lack of detail into my life problem. But I have a lack of insight too so I can’t exactly pinpoint it. I have a feeling that through my next few writings some of the things I have been struggling with will come to light. That plus a visit to our campus’s counseling center gives me confidence that I will come out so much stronger and wiser from my tears this past weekend. But y’all I am doing really well right now in this moment. I am happy to be back in classes and I have so many amazing things happening to me every day! My calendar is filling up and not just with serious meetings. We are talking dinners with friends from Atlanta, brunches on the weekends, me becoming a undergraduate researcher (!!!), and coffee/other fun with friends outside of classes. Plus I have homework again and call me weird but it makes me happy.
One of the things I get most nervous of the first couple days of classes is where I am going to sit in a class and if I am going to know anyone. Since 3rd grade I can remember surveying the room of my fellow students and sizing them up wondering which ones would be good friends for me. Which ones would share my likes and dislikes, would like me, and most importantly would play with me?
Finding that group of people in classes can sometimes make or break a particular class. Take my metabolic class for example, we have group project reports and we get to pick our groups. Normally in this situation I am always dreading the time to pick groups. They are groups of four and inevitably I am in a group of friends with 5 people. So who gets left out? I always assume it will be me. So I get a little aggressive in picking groups because I am so scared of getting left out. In my biased and distorted opinion I am always that girl. The girl going up to the professor saying she knows no one in the class of 400+ people and needs a group. I recognize this is an irrational fear, but I really believe it. I lack confidence and get scared, making me shrink away even when I don’t realize it.
Now metabolic is different for me, and so are most of my classes these days because I am in classes with the same people and we established our groups a long time ago. I am very grateful for the group of people I tend to always pair up with these days. I really cannot imagine my academic experience without them. But this semester I had to drop one of the classes I was supposed to share with TWO of my favorite classmates and pick up a class that I would inevitably know no one in…
And once again as we all walked into the classroom to chose our seats that would of course become our normal seats I began sizing people up before I even heard them speak or had any interaction with them. I am not judging anyone when I do this I am really just hoping I sit by someone who will talk to me and will hopefully want me in their group when those inevitable group discussions occur.
I have been doing this all of my life without ever truly recognizing it. Me the person who really does believe you should never judge a book by its cover does it unconsciously. But today I became aware of it and I worked to change it. So when I caught myself walking into my class beginning to wonder who would be the best person to sit by (giving that awkward smile to everyone hoping one person will signal a secret sit by me code) I closed my eyes then opened and sat in the first seat I saw. Who knows if the people I sat by will like me or include me, but at least I didn’t chose to sit there because they looked like my type.
Just like how God’s plan is totally random to me and I can never know it fully, I never make the correct guess on who is going to be my friend. It is those random meetings in the dorm hallway, or that person you see everywhere so you nickname them based on a class their in with you that somehow become your greatest friends. No amount of sizing up could have made me sit next to these people, it was all random. So I ask myself now to stop trying to meet people, stop worrying about not having a group, stop being anxious about being the odd girl out and just let it happen.