Life’s Planner Isn’t Me

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God has a plan for my life, and I have no clue what it is. I am a planner extraordinaire, but there is one thing I cannot plan and it is my life layout. Not that I haven’t tried. In high school I had this dream of what my life would be like: I would go to college and get a degree so that I could teach, I would meet the love of my life early in my undergraduate career, he would be either in the military or working to become a doctor, we would get married, I would start teaching, we would have our first child (which I even decided would be a boy), and well you know how the story goes… We would live happily ever after.

Too bad that hasn’t happened. My life plan got messed up pretty quickly. I changed my major and career goals within the first year at VT and I have yet to meet Mr. Right. Actually I have yet to meet Mr. Anyone… How do I feel about all of this? Extremely frustrated. Like I said I like plans, and I like to know about those plans in detail. I do not enjoy the go with the flow kind of mindset.

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I was explaining my frustrations to my mom’s friend when we went out to dinner last night, and she told me the same type of thing others have told me time and time again. Just let it happen. This is so hard for me. I see my friends with boyfriends, or the ones moving on to their careers and futures and I just can’t help but wonder where is my life going? When am I going to meet the person I will spend the rest of my life with? What am I going to be doing 5 years from now, does it even come close to looking like the plan in my head?

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But my mom’s friend was right and so is every person that has told me to be patient and see where life takes me. So I am going to try a new approach to my planning mindset. I won’t stop planning (I am pretty good at it and it helps me in my every day musings), but I will stop trying to see the future. I can plan my life one day at a time (or maybe a week at a time), but I cannot play God in my life. Who knows where I will be in 5 years, actually who knows where I will be in one year (still in school mom don’t worry, lol, I mean more mentally!). Only God knows what is in store for me. I hope I accomplish many things in this life of mine. I hope I have a husband and children I can love one day. And I hope life continues to gift me with good fortune.

But what I hope more than anything is to look back many years from now and laugh at how much I tried to plan a life I could have never predicted for myself. I hope I can tell my children how I would have never imagined I would have met their father how I did. And as for my career, I hope that whatever I end up doing makes me excited to go to work every day. Basically…

I just hope I am happy in life

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17 thoughts on “Life’s Planner Isn’t Me

  1. I love this. I met my husband in a way I never imagined and pregnant with our first child. I never thought I was one to marry or have children (focused on my love for my career). But here I am, wedding ring, home, and a full belly : )
    I know htat I was in a STRONG place of recovery before meeting him (or anyone). It is difficult to have a intimate relationship when our strongest relationship is the one we have with ED. There is little room for letting others in, when ED is first and foremost. Even when we are in a good place of recovery, a relationship can “trigger” parts of us that we thought we had grown out of…but it gives us a Chance to continue growing in these “triggering” pieces of us. I hope I am making sense here. Basically, even though we meet someone, don’t shy away from them because there is a belief that Recovery must be perfect before doing so. Often times, it is the relationships we have with others that can help us grow and see things within to grow from. These things will come for YOU. In God’s timing. Yes, I know this is frustrating to hear. Trust me, the inner control freak in me needs to practice patience when hearing this every day : )

    • This makes complete sense. My mom has been telling me for far to long that while I am strong in my recovery I am not the strongest I will be yet. She keeps reminding me that SOMEDAY when THE TIME IS RIGHT someone will come around and it will change my life forever. I am like you, very impatient for this to happen. But I know that when it does it is because I am finally ready to let it all go.

  2. I think we all get frustrated. I’d LOVE to meet mr. right one day. Is that day today or tomorrow? Probably not. Do I hope it’s soon? Sure. I’d like to meet mr. anyone these days too, but I’m sure it will happen when we least expect it. Or that’s what I’m told, at least 😉

    • It is so hard to let go! I think we would all like to see the map God has made for us, like Dorthy’s yellow brick road. But if that were the case I know life would be a lot less exciting

  3. Good for you love! You are so right about not being able to plan most big things in life and what I’m discovering is that that’s not such a bad thing…i would never have dreamed that I’d be where I am today but I couldn’t be happier. I think you will find the same and that it takes a lot of the pressure off too!

  4. I hate that concept too and you never know where life is going you know? Who knows…two days after you wrote this post someone could come knocking. It frustrates me to not be able to schedule that. I didn’t know you changed your major at VT. When did you do that?

    • Yeah it is a concept I know I need to embrace but I have a feeling it will frustrate me for a long long time. Haha I began as a Human Development major and then in one semester switched to English and then finally after the first year discovered dietetics. Let’s just say it is a miracle I am graduating on time

    • I am just glad I am not the only one who expected this and was sadly disappointed! You are right we cannot wait around and stop living because we want to make sure we are open for a guy. It will happen and who knows how or when!

  5. It’s SO scary not to know where your life is going – but it’s kind of exciting too, if you look at it in a different way! I too thought I had the perfect plan for myself – I was going to go to William and Mary, be accepted early decision of course, study biology, become a cardio-thoracic surgeon, marry a super attractive man, run marathons….Instead, I got rejected from William and Mary, spent freshman year at a small New england private college that I HATED, worked my ass off to transfer to W&M (I got there eventually lol!) my sophomore year, and….realized I didn’t want to be a doctor. Or a vet. or a physical therapist. or a research scientist. or a professor. or a dietitian. I didn’t find my career path in college, heck i didn’t even really find it till I came to CTS! And after I get my master’s, I’m still not 100% sure where I’m going with it. And as for the boys….eh. I don’t talk about this much but I dated a guy for four years, was actually engaged when I was 20 because I thought he was “mr. Right”….and then found out he was, let’s say, not an honest or respectable person. Serious dating in college is not all its cracked up to be and I feel like I wasted a lot of my college years on him that I should’ve spent being free and independent and focusing on myself, not a guy and a diamond ring on my finger. So I know its sometimes hard, especially when a lot of your friends are dating people (and now that I’m 23 a lot of my friends are starting to get married!!), but there’s absolutely no rush to find anyone – and in fact, the best way, I’ve found, to find a great guy is not to look. You’ve got a LOT going for you, so when you focus on YOU and exude confidence and independence, loads of guys are gonna be attracted to that and one of them will be right for you. And it might happen at VT, it might happen at your internship, or even later! Your mom’s friend is right – all these things will happen for you in good time. And part of not knowing the whole story is what makes life ineresting and worth living!

  6. Life really does have a way of setting us up with expectations and dreams early on, huh? I was the same way, and it’s laughable how different things are nowadays. I never went to grad school (yet), ended a 4 year relationship last year, and feel like I’m totally starting from scratch. Terrifying? Yes. Exciting? Oh yea! In the end, I couldn’t agree more with your final statement – all I really want out of life is happiness and everything it entails.

    • I just wish I knew what the happiness was right now. But after reading and learning and getting to know many like you girl I see that what I am experiencing is normal and I shouldn’t have everything all planned out. I come to find that the people that have stories like yours (not being where you thought/imagined) have the BEST stories and the most wisdom!

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