The End Begins Now

I honestly do not know where to begin on this last day of 2012. All of you have written beautifully composed posts about what you experienced this year and what you are looking for in the year of 2013. But I don’t think I documented this year as well as I would have liked to. Sure I have some amazing memories and experiences…

change 6

Goodbye to dance

Climbed the Arc de Triomphe

Climbed the Arc de Triomphe

Cheers!

Cheers!

Done with my last day. See you in the winter Chesapeake Regional!

Done with my last day. See you in the winter Chesapeake Regional!

First cosmo

Ordering my first drink

DSCN0236

Rebekah came to VT

25825397832759877_lM4KfDt4_c

Coffee obsessed

523336_10151032565502066_1576185373_n

Hokie football = sad season

616357_3954844600577_1623527467_o

New friends! All thanks to blogging

Dad had the idea of going on a little jog after opening presents. Awesome idea! I loved every minute of it

Started running and no longer hate it

And I learned a ton about myself through all of it. A beautiful sermon that felt very much directed towards me yesterday plus a few internal struggles I have been dealing with as of late have caused me to want a few resolutions this year. But I never stick to resolutions or goals or whatever you want to call them. I get caught up in school and all of my normal routines pretty quickly and by the end of the year I normally cannot remember what goals I set at the beginning of the year. I don’t want that to happen this year. If I keep going on the same track I will never grow and the struggles I had this year will follow me for the rest of my life. I do not want this.

Yesterday I was asked to contemplate what takes me away from God. My answer was everything. Until I realized that God wants me to have talents, he doesn’t want me to stop studying or exercising or eating a healthy diet. But he also doesn’t want those things to be done without him. I need him to guide me on a path in life that will lead me to a destination only he knows of.

What really takes my life away from God is an eating disorder that I have carried with me for over 7 years now. For most of this time I have considered myself recovered, and I still do. I wrote in the past about how I felt stuck. Well I still feel stuck and that is because I was too busy making excuses instead of sitting down and deciding on a plan of action to one day rid my life of this part of my life completely. I have fear foods that I refuse to release because the fear keeps me safe. I still struggle with what exercise is supposed to be for me, although this is something my mom was kind enough to point out I have been working on and succeeding in. And I am still consumed by appearance, the thin body ideal, and perfection in everything. Until I let go of these things I will forever live a life in which I am in a constant battle with anorexia. I might be winning for the rest of my life, but as long as the battle is still going on there is a chance for losing.

I don’t want to live my life on the battlefield. So in 2013 I will work to end this war. I am not making it my goal to rid my life of this thing that has consumed me so long. I cannot set a time frame for when this will be over and not longer consume me. I making 2013 the first year of the end. There will be a time in my future that I am completely free.

I am currently working on a short list of short term goals that will help me to end this battle. I hope by posting this list in the next week it will keep me accountable to trying new things, challenging myself, and taking risks so that I can begin to experience life that is led by the light of God.

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “The End Begins Now

  1. You had a pretty big year of changes too! I know you’re going to go to battle with you ED this year and I hope we can both be free of the restraints it has on us. Happy New Year!

  2. First, your post is increable.

    I hope you don’t think my post was well written. How to write a Hollie post: Scour facebook looking for photos that were important enough to post. Copy and paste onto blog and what I was thinking at the time. Wala.

    Anyways-you had a really powerful year of change and growing. I’m so proud of you and cannot wait to see you in a couple days!

    • Thank you girl. I actually love your posts! So real and raw. I love your way of making a post please don’t make a change to that this year!

      Can’t wait to see you! We are going to have a blast 😀

  3. I love how much you have learned this past year and I know that 2013 will be even more growth. Part of growing is realizing where we fall behind and how we can find more peace with ourselves. I am so proud of all that you have done the past few months, it will only keep going up from here

    • I am really looking forward to seeing where 2013 takes both of us. You are right about what growing entails. I think we have both seen a few things we want to change around in our lives, now we just have to work for it!

  4. Every year is a learning year and I am just so proud of you for taking action instead of just dilly dallying and taking it lightly. Every day, week, month and year we have the choice to better us and do what is right for that given situation 🙂 Plus, I’ve got your back

  5. I love the willingness and strength it takes to admit that we are able to recover! We all are. If I can do it, so can everyone else out there!!!! Accountability was key for me. WIth having myself being held accountable for things that scared me, I was able to do it even though I was scared. This is where blogs can be helpful, for helping us be accountable. I believe that recovery IS possible for YOU. I can tell by your “fighting for freedom” attitude. YOU GOT THIS!

    • Thank you girl. I know it is possible because I did it once before. I am just glad I caught this before it took me over again. I am so thankful I have found the blogging that is right for me. You have no idea how long it took. Now I really feel like I am in a place where I can conquer all. It will take time, but I have no doubt that I will do it. Thank you for the sweet comment ❤

  6. I love this, hun. Truly, I do. I love that you realize that this is a process and that you haven’t set a time limit but that you are determined to get rid of it once and for all. I can hear it in your voice through this, and I will do anything I can to help you keep going, love. You deserve to get rid of this once and for all. We all do ❤

    • You were such a apart of this strength and realization that more needs to happen in my life and I need to move forward instead of staying stuck. I cannot thank you enough for opening up to me and taking the time to get to know me. I am amazed by the love this blogging community has for each other!

  7. Pingback: I am ready « Plateit & Climb

  8. Even with all the challenges and hardships, you still seemed to have a great year! Most importantly, every single event in 2012, whether good or bad, has helped shape the wonderful person you are today. I think your goal for 2013 is perfect – you’re not setting yourself up for possible failure by creating an “all or nothing” mentality about the eating disorder. I suspect that with all the major strides you made in 2012 with your ED, achieving a battlefield victory in 2013 will be easier than you expect 🙂

  9. First – I love the new layout! Second – this is a great recap of your year. You’ve had a lot of changes and adventures (Paris!!! OMG!) And even just in the short time we’ve been blog-buddies I’ve seen (read??) you grow and learn a lot. You have so much to be proud of from this year! And you’re right – it’s easy to feel guilty for the things that consume our time, but its important to remember that God wants us to keep doing what we love and what we’re good at – because that’s how He can act through us. I definitely need to keep God closer to me this year. And I know doing so will help you really kick this ED for the last time – which I’m SO excited and proud that you’re committing to and i can’t wait to read along as you do!

    • Thank you Kate. Remember that I am here if you ever need to talk. I know that you are nervous about your running in the coming year, but just like you just said to me, God is with you and has a plan for you. When you are feeling down sit down with your bible and God and talk it out. Prayer is something I want to try to turn to in times of need this year, because I have seen the wonders of God working through prayer in other people’s lives everyday

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s