I am going to Europe tomorrow for almost 2 weeks. So I will be signing off on the blog for awhile but you best bet that I will have a lot to tell when I get back about what I learned over there!
I went to church on Sunday and the message hit me pretty hard and I have been evaluating a few things from it. Let me open with the prayer that placed me on the edge of a cliff ready to fall.
[I] acknowledge [my] lack courage and [my] tendency to remain in comfortable, familiar, and undemanding ruts and routines. Forgive [my] faint heart, I pray, and grant [me] the fortitude to take risks, to attempt new challenges, to experiment with fresh ideas. You called us to renounce the patterns of this world and be transformed into the image of Christ. Give [me] the strength to change those thing that [I] can influence, the patience to accept those [I] cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have an old dance I choreographed to Leanne Rimes “What I cannot Change” and I have so much emotion connected to this dance because it really represents how long and how hard it was for me to realize that there are things in my life that I cannot control. That I have to pray and have faith that God has a plan for me.
But I haven’t been dancing, and it has been almost 6 months since I have performed this dance and I guess I may have forgotten the lesson I was trying to live through it a little.
Routines are great and so is planning for the future, but at the end of the day there is only so much you can do about what will happen in the years to come.
My Life Examples
- I can study for hours and still walk into an exam and not know all of the answers because I didn’t make the test. All I can do is try my hardest and answer what I do know correctly
- I can get all of the grades, and all of the volunteer hours and STILL not get matched to a dietetic internship my senior year. Again all I can do is do everything in my power to have the best application but that still might not be enough
- I can dream up and “talk the talk” about how my future husband will be a doctor, or in the military but the fact is if I do that I may be giving up real love (which I have experienced and will document one day when I am ready) just to have a “comfortable life” You can’t control who you fall in love with, but you can try to make the best life possible with that person
I used to believe I could plan out my whole life. Graduate from high school, make it in a dance company, audition and star in a Broadway show, meet the perfect guy and have a family. Then it became graduate from high school, go to college and meet the person I would spend the rest of my life with, start my career and have the perfect wedding, have kids and live happily.
What a rut I was in and how boring I am making my life! I am going to make a point to remind myself everyday how FANTASTIC the blind spots on life’s road are.I am going to use this trip to Europe as the perfect starting point.
Parts of the trip I am nervous about because “I don’t know what will happen”
- What will I be eating every day on this trip? I don’t plan out my meals on paper like I used to in recovery (I got really sick of that and took that as a great sign that I was fighting anorexia) but I do normally have a general idea of what I will have for my next bite but after breakfast in the car tomorrow morning my bites and when I eat are left up to my ability to sense my hunger and then choose what I really want
- Not knowing the language and how to get around. I don’t like not being able to communicate or where things are. I feel out of control, but that is what this is all about, giving up my control and trusting that I will figure it out
- Not having my apple a day- OK I haven’t really stated this on the blog yet but I have at least one apple every day (alternating red and green) but I don’t think I will be able to have that these next 2 weeks. First time in a long time and I am nervous and sad actually not to have it. but it will make my first apple back all the sweeter (sometimes it take giving something up to really appreciate it again)
- Finally, sleeping in strange places (hotels and apartments not hostiles don’t you worry)and with out my manatee who I have slept with since I was in 3rd grade (and still trying to figure out how he will fit into my bed too when the day comes that I find “the guy”)
But remember I have a new philosophy: I will appreciate the blind spots these nerves introduce and handle them as they come up. because I am strong and gaining patience with the uncontrollable. and through my life I will learn the wisdom to tell the difference between what I can and cannot change.
Here is the video that people put together for the song by Leanne Rimes
Well I am off to Europe! (After a good night’s sleep, a longish car ride and an even longer plane ride that is!
What should I be on the look out for while on vacation?!?
Anyone else have trouble walking into an unknown future without a complete plan in motion?
I leave you with this funny video that made my night (well except for what just happened on my evening walk!)